Bank Holiday Horrors.

This Easter weekend was meant to be filled with promise and hope and joy and all that sort of stuff, but, in fact, it was just like everything else I set high hopes on: it was plain awful and has set the wheels in motion on this vehicle simply known as "BLEUGHHHHYUKKK". Surprisingly, this mode of transportation isn't that rare.

I have been seeing this man who I shall name 'D'. I very much enjoy his company and think he's quite the looker. We had a brief affair last summer (2007) which ended up with me in tears on a bench in Highbury Fields as he explained that it was just a 'fling'. ME being my usual self assumed we were 'together'. After that moment and as soon as I reached my then abode in London, I deleted him from every profile site and made sure I couldn't contact him. This went on for six whole months until I got a text from him at Christmas. I obviously replied because it's clear that I do not own a back bone.
After a few texting sessions and conversations on the phone we decided to meet up. It was all very nice, nothing too extravagant, but it did result in me going back to his... If you catch my drift. So, obviously, it was back to what it was before: 'fling' status, but part 2.
This was repeated for two months until I text him asking for an explanation and that I really 'couldn't do this anymore'. I then received a phone call in reply to this message saying that he wants to sort things out and he doesn't want me getting hurt like I did last year. The phone call was very awkward because we were both quite nervous about talking about our feelings, so we decided to meet up Easter weekend...

'D' was meant to meet me in my home town, but at the last minute explained that we would have more time with each other if I came to London on the Saturday night. Like a fool, I did.

I arrived at Euston where he met me. We dropped my things off at his and travelled to Islington to have a few drinks. For some reason, I was quite admired by a fair few guys. It was refreshing to have an air of confidence about myself. Usually, in situations like this (different location, travelling and being nervous about seeing a guy) I cower away from any looks or comments. Afterwards, we went back to his and were intimate until the early hours. On the Sunday, I wore the most amazing dress, stocking and heels, went out for food and then back to his for more intimate action.
Today, I woke up to his alarm and proceeded with yet more intimacy, then he put me in his car, drove me back to my home and said "I can't do a relationship. We can only be friends. Bye"

I feel utterly stupid. Not only have I got his marks all over my body from several passionate nights, I now have feelings for him and feel as if I have been led up the garden path yet again. This isn't meant to happen. Men are meant to fall in love with me.

...and this is why I have vowed to myself to never let a guy close to me again, whether it's physically or emotionally.

This is the last time I get hurt.

since you've been gone.

okay, since the last post i have mostly been:
+ acting like a slut, which i hate and it's making me angry;
+ going to therapy, being hypnotised - the usual;
+ realising who i am actually in love with and thinking how to make it work;
+ falling out with an ex who i thought meant a lot to me, but now have realised he's just like all the other coked-up twats;
+ seeing my friends do something with their life by going to uni or travelling;
and
+ worrying myself with labels of this, that and the other.

it's not like i feel as if i have lost my mind, my mind's completely there - it's the fact that i feel as if i have lost control.

i can't seem to form plans any more. this scares me as i need a route to follow and now, at this great age of twenty, no one is telling me what to do.

all i need is him. someone who will lift me, hold me and make sure i go the right way.

i am stuck in a hall of mirrors, totally. x

and, by the way,

my name is stephanie blake and there is no more reason to stay anonymous.

I am not at all wonderful enough to get away with arrogance like that. X

BRAIN DEAD.

Every part of my personality has wilted away. There's nothing left inside me to keep me going. I'm literally brain dead.


I cannot focus on anything. The only thing i can even bear to think about is exercising and losing weight so that maybe the next month will be better.

I am twenty in three weeks and i am fat, lonely, not at all interesting, poor, FUCKING ugly as hell, pointless...etc. I shouldn't feel like this, but every time i realise that at one point in my life i had it all, i just know that i need to lose X amount of pounds before i know good things will happen.

I swear only i understand this. No one seems to even care to understand.

X

Identity...

The idea i have about myself constantly changes throughout years, months and sometimes even days. I have so many plans for perfection that i've found myself living in a sort of dream world; reality is something i am still trying to grasp. When we are young we look up at 'role models'. Is this necessarily a good thing? In my opinion, i think not. We aim for a personality, body image and even a life that we're just not capable of achieving; it's just not in our DNA. So, we find ourselves becoming insecure because we can't reach our goal of being our own idol, which, consequently, results in us failing at fulfilling our actual, genuine persona.

All these years, i have thought very long and hard about the person i want to be. I have always striven for perfection, whether it's changing my handwriting on a daily basis to make sure that the style i am using represents who i am (and that it is neat and tidy) or knowing that i am seen acceptable, body image wise, i.e personal hygiene/grooming.
Additionally, i have even changed certain personality/attire traits in order to, not only 'fit in', but to be my sense of perfection. Whilst a young teenager, it was easy to do this when there were fads, trends & subcultures to adhere to. Now, as a young adult, they stakes are much higher. It's not your peers at school you are trying to impress and bond with or simple decisions such as "what to wear tonight?" or "how can i get in with the popular group?", it is jobs/career options to aim for and, ultimately, 'get'; relationships to have flourish and grow in order to learn for the next time or to blossom into marriage proposals and children, and "how can i pay the bills?" and/or "am i wasting crucial time with this man/in this job?"

If you've not realised your 'true self' by the time the latter problems arrive, will you ever be able to find your identity? Is it too late and you've missed the vital 'gap' in order to know who you really are?

We are all expected to try different things out whilst young and 'free' before the 'real world' approaches us, making us understand our hopes/fears and strengths/weaknesses, which, supposedly, form us to be strong enough to deal with all issues that arise.

Is it possible to extend that 'gap'? And is it possible to to learn whilst living?

I am stuck in a dilemma, which involves all issues i've raised above. I am a young adult who hasn't advanced in life since the age of 16. I am still in the same place and with the same problems that i had all those years ago.
I have still not had a job. I haven't had a successful relationship or one that i felt had affected me in a positive way, i.e learning new ways of dealing with situations in that particular area of life. I still haven't gotten over or managed to understand my fears (failure; difficulties with being assertive; the art of being shy)
This causes me to be rather concerned about my future and the way i will (or won't) develop. A person's time, life, existence is very short, due to the fact that we don't know when it will finish.
They say "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." Does getting older and not having had 'closed down' certain issues that affect you a lot earlier on result in the lack of being able to quit habits or to learn new ones?
I guess we will never know. Maybe the only way to reach some kind of understanding of yourself is to just push through life (including the bad things) and not looking back. Or at the present.

Is it really as easy as having a sort of tunnel-like vision directly looking into the future?

horoscope that i should definitely take in:

"Forget about perfection now, for the Moon in eccentric Aquarius suggests that you can benefit from a little experimentation. This is your opportunity to try something new and to have fun exploring a different approach to the same old thing. Forget about your mistakes; you are the only one who is keeping score. Your real challenge today is to enjoy your playful process of discovery."

um,

it sounds as if there's a hurricane outside. and it's BLOODY freezing. i do not get it.

i am less angry now though, but not looking forward to waking up in five hours time.
X

srsly?

Why can't you two tell me things that i actually need to know; things that are absolute vital information to me?

I am getting extremely annoyed now. Constantly, placing me between a rock and a hard place.

... AND another five and a half months to go.

Someone come rescue me?

X

smiles all round.

So, i'm back in Milton Keynes for the week, which is nice.
Today, i'm going to the city centre with mother to buy shoes and nice things due to the fact that i have lost 8lbs, that's right - EIGHT POUNDS - in one week. This is amazing. I thought 5lbs in one week was a lot. I feel so good.
How did i manage this? Well, i went on a five/six day fast which was okay. I did cheat a few times, but only with boiled vegetables. The rest of the time i just drank tea. And, since coming to Milton Keynes [on the Tuesday], I fasted on the first day and have just eaten a handful of fruit on the other days. Awesome.
My bestfriend's leaving party is on Saturday. I'm both excited and saddened because my best friend is moving far, far away. Actually, i can talk. I guess it will test our strong friendship. We're both going to be leading very different lives, meeting new people in two different cities. I just can't wait for December '07 when our large group of friends come back to the place where we all met, tell each other stories about the start of our "adult" life and maybe even toast each other for future success.
This is what it is to be grown up? To be far apart from your loved ones [friends and family] and learn to get on with it? I still don't know.

A completely different subject: i am turning Twenty in 37 days. I was a little scared at the beginning of the year, which could be down to the "unknown" nature of this event. But, now i am nearing the big celebration, i feel strong, content and bloody happy that it's nearly my birthday! The excitement which i felt when i was near to turning 15, 16 and 17 has come back. I have butterflies in my tummy and a big grin on my face. And, i cannot wait to open my presents.
Also, i've been getting excited about Christmas too. And why not? I was reminded by my bestfriend that it is only FOUR months away. This is too good.
Oh, and FYI, i'm having a party for my birthday on 21st September and then coming to Milton Keynes for my actual birth date, 22nd September.

I am still looking for a job. Hm, well, actually i'm sort of only starting. Because of the weightloss i feel a new confidence coming my way. Also, it's down to the fact that it looks possible for me to lose over a stone in two weeks. My target weight of 100lbs is totally in sight now and, thanks to my 'weight tracker', i now know i've only got 16lbs to go 'til i'm there. So, i'm giving myself a month to get down to 7st 2lbs. I'd rather be 98lbs [7st] but the tracker doesn't go down that much.
My quest to be 'Nicole Richie thin' is definitely a reachable target. That's if i don't cheat, which is hard as i am now totally obsessed by what a bowl of Coco Pops will taste like.
Ahem, stay strong.

Acording to my bank balance, i have only £50. This SUCKS. But a charming young man is actually helping me get a job. He wants me to get a job at his place of work. Very sweet. He's so nice and was actually born the same year as me, which is quite odd as recently i've being going for 28-35 year olds. He can only be a positive thing for me.

Back to weight and health etc. I have now quit drinking. I've been "sober" [i wasn't an alcoholic] for over a week now and i feel so good. The thought of being drunk and out of control makes me sick. I shall only drink dry white wine spritzers/champagne from now on AND get tipsey after half a glass. Also, this will only take place on special occassions. So, if you love me, don't offer me alcohol. Oh, and i have also rid my body from caffeine. Again, it's only been just over a week, but i feel amazing. Still feeling a bit tired, but in time, i will feel fantastic. All i need to do now is to quit cigarettes and my mind, body and soul will be pure. :)

Right, i am off to do exercise. :)

X

And so the heart speaks out.

Not able to sleep, yet again. In the space of ten minutes, i managed to count upto 5 different spiders in my flat. I've not spotted any in my room, but i am so scared. I live in the bloody roof. I literally want to be sick. They make my skin actually crawl. God, i just know that i'll see a big one and.. eugh, jesus.

Tomorrow, I've decided, will be the beginning of the new me; the new confident and in-charge me. A very nasty ex of mine wants to meet me tomorrow. I've said yes, but only during the day. I figured out that with his horrible words of "encouragement" it will probably be good for me in the whole getting a job issue. Also, he still owes me money that he stole from me, so maybe i can get him to buy me drinks? He'll have to leave by early evening though as my nice, most recent ex is coming round mine for the evening. He told me he still loves me the other day, which made me realise i still might have feelings for him so i think i need to talk to him so we can both understand more about this situation. God, that's quite mature of me. Strange.

I also have another male friend, but i only met him a few weeks ago and still don't know what he's about. We were meant to meet for a date at the Tate, but i cancelled. It just didn't feel right. Not quite sure why it didn't. I've agreed to meet with him this week, but we're from two completely different worlds; a world i'd love to be part of, don't get me wrong, but the whole thing just makes me feel like a complete chav. In other words, compared to him and his lifestyle, i am rough.

There is a man who i want in my life forever. He's the most funny, witty, intelligent, caring and kind man i have ever met. I know for sure that he is my soul mate. I hope he thinks that too. There could have been something there... But, i think that i might've have missed the small gap, just before the relationship moves to brother-sister status, where we could have maybe upped the level of our friendship. Maybe i'll regret that; maybe it just wasn't to be, who knows? All i do know is that i'm not quite sure what would happen if he wasn't in my life.

Going back to my most recent ex, i think there definitely is something there... Okay, my friends would probably say "why the heck are you with him, he's not you're type?" whatever a 'type' is, but i don't know, i just feel something new with him and always have done. Maybe that's why i ended it in such an abrupt way when i felt it was going a bit too fast?
I dream of kids, marriage, security, but when handed it on a plate i seem to get quite frightened as if maybe that's it, that's my life over? No more day-dreaming of the future and the 'one' because i have it all and feelings of "well, what next?"
Maybe i don't trust myself in an extremely trustworthy position of marriage and the awesome amount of responsibility with having children, i mean, i don't stick at anything else important: education, healthy lifestyle, searching for a job, location... So, why would this be any different? I'd most probably have a go at trying to mess things up in a dreadful, but accidental way.
But seriously, maybe the issue of marriage and children interests me so much because i am completely seduced by the notion of importance? Let's face it, at the moment, i really do not have much self-worth.

- - - - -

Steven Fry is the most sexy, intelligent, yummy man that has ever walked this Earth. I hate the idea that i am thought of as 'strange' just because, in society's eye, he's not an aesthetic success. This makes me doubt everyone's capability of thought and wonder if it's all the binge-drinking and 'new media' that's dumbing down the senses.

X

eugh.

I don't feel sick, just wrong. I binged dreadfully today.
So far, i've had:

cheese salad sandwich;

bowl of chocolate ice cream and maple sauce;

another cheese salad sandwich;

another bowl of chocolate ice cream and maple sauce;

two cheese toasties;

two more bowls of ice cream with maple sauce;

three glasses of rosé.

It's disgracful. And, i don't even feel full. I don't think even an obese person would eat this much in the space of 5hours. Why can't i just be normal?

i've set a perfect weight to aim for. Just 24lbs to go...

God, i hate me. No wonder men are running away - it's because i repulse them with my stupidly lardy body. ick. :( X

Horizontal Firecracker.

Listening to: 'Apple or a Gun' by Volcano! - absolutely adore this band/song.

Things have a-changed. Finally. And it give me a sense of warmth.
There's a girl after my own heart, but due to a stupid phase of arrogance (on my behalf.. and maybe hers too) we cut our ties and ignored each other for a good five months.
Last Thursday i was incredibly intoxicated and decided to send her a text saying "sorry, i've been a dick. x" and she replied and now we seem to be better than ever!
I've just received a text from her and it alsost made me cry. She listed all the things that we used to do &, because she's moving to London, all the things we will get up to in the future! She ended the message explaining that it'd be ridiculous to end our friendship as we have had so many good times together and we have a lot in common, more so than we have with other's.
I've always been intimidated by her, but i've grown up now; i can hold my own. Maybe, like i have always told myself, mine and other's actions and words happen for a reason. Maybe, i was meant to end friendships so i could step out of them, evaluate, and make a decision based on what i felt/found? Well, whatever it is, it's made me feel secure, safe, and this isn't it, either!
Only a few days ago i found myself complaining about society and how, even though a person could say "i love you', or "i'm your bestfriend and i am here for you", they never truly were. I have always had high expectations of myself, which, as we all know, is my mother's fault, but I have always thought that when you bare your soul, show raw emotion, that the person who is witnessing it would genuinely care. Well, they don't. Or, it could be that i just think they don't?
Up until recently, i really did think that people grow to become uncaring. Or selfish, maybe - i mean it is a dog eat, dog world out there.
Luckily, something has changed. It could be my mind-set, or maybe society? But something has definitely shifted. I have come to realise that, although not perfect [and who is?], my bestfriends are the best. I mean, otherwise, i would've pushed them away a long time ago if i didn't think so, right?

I have just realised that what i have just typed makes very little sense. Hm. Well, i know what i'm going on about.

- - - - -
So, my, er, just past mid-year resolution is to not find anyone attractive. No more fancying men. Especially, older men. I'm going to concentrate on getting myself slim and pretty, and find an alright "career". I am just getting extremely bored with getting hurt by men, eating the world and not being able to leave the house 'cause i'm too fat. I am wasting precious life doing this...
I always dream about reaching the stars, but now, i have the mentality to actually go for it!
I think i can safely say that i am climbing out of my depression at full speed. Also, i think writing weird things that are often floating around in my mind is very healthy.

- - - - -

I watched the film The Secretary for the second time last night. That film is so good; extremely sexy. It had me thinking about the whole sexual submissive/dominant issue. We all must carry characteristics of either end of that s/d spectrum into the bedroom, whether it's minute manners or full-blown lifestyles, surely? I, guess you could say i land on the submissive side of the coin. Not in an 'i have a Lord and i serve him' kind of way, but i find the idea of being controlled in the bedroom quite hot.
I've tried to work out why and i think i might fully understand now: i have to control most aspects of my life. Not for pleasure, mind, but just... because. And it's extremely difficult. But, i guess, we all have the notion that sex is satisfying, pleasurable and, in the end, relaxing and that is why i think it takes the pressure and stress off of me if someone else controls the situation. Why i only allow this rule in the bedroom is beyond me. Maybe it's due to the fact that i either trust this person with my mind, body and soul, or i am incredibly intoxicated. Usually, the latter.
And it'd be vice-versa for the people who are told what to do every day of their lives... In the bedroom, where there are usually no inhabitions, they can regain power and control and, ultimately, break the cycle of being told what to do.
So, i guess, in conclusion, whether you're into being submissive or dominating someone, it's all the same. You're trying to break free from being controlled by yourself, someone else or a habit.

Soon, maybe, it'll become mainstream... just how us straight girlies say "let's go to the gay club with our GBF's [gay best friends] and dance to cheesy music!", everyone will be saying "hey! let's go to that S&M bar down the road. I'll bring my paddle!".

Who knows?

What i do know is that i should stop thinking. Completely.
- - - - -


"If you're not going to have kids, then leave a record behind."

Baaadd Aroma.

Looks as if i'm about to break my fast, which is bad. I was doing so well. Haven't eaten a meal since Wednesday (which was a spinach salad sandwich), but now my inconsiderate housemates are cooking mexican and the hunger pangs are becoming intolerable.
I keep thinking they will pass, but i don't think they will. I defrosted a chicken this morning because i know i'm a complete failure. And mother has bought me a really low fat Korma sauce to cook with the chicken. Should i have this? God, i'm fretting so much.

I mentioned that i might have korma tonight to my housemates (stupid, stupid) and they keep offering my their rice, which is sweet, but NO! Rice is ick and i need to lose weight so i can get into my old clothes and so mother will help me with rent and bills and maybe buy me some more clothes? If i don't lose the weight then i am going to have to ask my housemates to pay up and i can't do that! That's like £500!

i'm at 8st 10lbs, at the moment, which is ridiculous and makes me feel ill. i want to lose 10lbs in two weeks. Is that crazy? Is it even do-able?

Okay, i'm going to make korma now. Otherwise, i'll just end up drinking wine to make me fall asleep and that's even worse.

X

Hanging Onto A Dream.

My horoscope is dead-on right today:

You are feeling deep urges to add new meaning to your life, yet your outer world may seem uninspired when compared to what arises now from your subconscious mind. Nevertheless, don't be afraid of anything that comes to the surface today. You are not required to say out loud what you are experiencing on the inside. Still, you will be happier and healthier if you feel it fully, even if it is scary.

My next career aim is Radio Broadcast Assistant. Ha, let's see how long i'll stick at this.
My BFF is going to come visit me soon. This is the most amazing news. But, i've just checked my bank balance and i have no money. None at all.. Not even any to pay the bills.

The Gypsy life is seeming more and more tempting.

X

seriously.

Okay, first things first - i am NOT, which is extremely good.

So, today was the worst ever day in London. I met up with this older guy i've seen a few times and i was so excited to see him as i thought he was just perfect. Ha, WRONG. He used me for sex, but is adamant that we will 'hang out'. I can't quite work out of he's a dick or a gentleman for telling me this. All i do know though is that i am stupid.

I've not eaten since Wednesday.

Oh, and during a lock-in in a well known venue in Shepherds Bush, i got drunk, told secrets to my ex boyfriend and then had sex with him in the VIP area.

And i still do not have a job.
And i am still fat.

I'm not quite sure where my life or sanity is going.
All i do know is that i need to go home. Where ever home is.

X

Mostly, eratic.

Total see-saw of a day, today. 24 hour manic depression.
It could have something to do with the fact that i should be suffering extreme PMT right now, but i'm not. I'm starting to think that i do this on purpose - placing obstacles in front of me so i can trip, fall down and play the victim.
I guess i'll jump that hurdle when i get to it. I hope it's all a mistake, and that it's not the hurdle race i'm entered for. Maybe the long jump. Or a walkable marathon?

- - - - -

Travelled in to Harlesden town centre this afternoon and managed to get myself lost on a number of occassions, which is weird due to the fact that it only consists of one road, the high street. I had to go because i am in desperate need of a career of some sorts so (and i'm not sure why) i decided to go to the JobCentre.
My, my, the advice they had for me was astounding!

"Erm, um... So, you're NOT on benefits? Hm, well, the only thing i can suggest is you go to those phones and press the number '5'. You can talk to someone, but we can't promise anything..."

Okay, great. In fact, fabulous. Well, this lady on the end of the line did a 'job search'. She found only one job and that was £6 p/hour. Is that good money? Have i moved all the way to London to earn peanuts that just barely covers my rent/bills/food? So, i'll be working 40hr weeks just to be able to sleep in a bed, have a light on and eat 'til i get obese and unattractive? Well, that's just fantastic(!)

- - - - -

I am feeling extremely lonely now. And out of place.
So, i've moved in to this lovely flat with my old housemate and his boyfriend. Sounds cosy, right? Yeah, for two! Three is a definite crowd in this home! They don't talk to me, they don't ask me anything and if i put something in the lounge they move it out as if i'm taking up their personal space. It's really getting me down because i have just realised that i am helping a loving couple pay their rent for a love-nest.
Utterly.
Ridiculous.
Why can't my Prince Charming come rescue me, let me live in his castle and tell me that i will never have to get a job?!

- - - - -

This Friday i have to register with the doctors. I'm nervous as i find the doctors one of the most scary places ever!
But i do feel positive about it, knowing that this is a whole new place and that they don't know my family etc. Oh, and also, it's literally next door!
It'll be good to talk about my OCD and Dermatillomania in length and, hopefully, find some treatments, if not cures!

- - - - -

Keep missing deliveries - bad!
i really hope i'm not pregnant. :(

X

Clouded over.

Today has to be the most pointless day ever. Tesco delivery men were meant to turn up and shower me with gifts, but no. They decide not to turn up at all and only let me know that they weren't showing at half four pm. A day wasted.
Well, it wasn't much of a day to waste, to be honest. Woke up late due to falling asleep at the ridiculous time of 5am and, by looking outside, it doesn't really matter as the weather is utterly rubbish and looks almost like a scene from "The Day After Tomorrow'.

'Breaking News' on Sky News - "The river Thames is close to overflowing"

- - - - -

You know that you most definitely need new friends and a job when you're found sitting on your bed, alone, drinking vodka cokes and singing along to Libertines. So sad.
I should be out wearing gorgeous dresses.

Not really sure how i'm going to meet new people the same sort of age and into the same sort of interests. I mean, i can't go to a gig/club on my own, right?

- - - - -

I'm going to upload some pictures of my new abode.

I'm so thankful that my writers block has gone, but i am thinking that i could bore everyone to tears with the fact that i am so going to write several entries a day. ha.

A cocktail of emotions: shaken, not stirred.

So, I finally did it; i finally moved away from the horrors and into the bright lights - London. It's quite an odd sensation if i'm quite honest with you, well, i guess every move is, and i'm not entirely sure why i thought this one would be different. This past week has dragged on, but in a good, exciting, scary way. I feel like i have the 'L' plates on though; I feel like i'm naughtily sticking on a disabled parking permit onto my windscreen. if that makes sense? Basically, i know i am capable of a number of extremely amazing things, but i choose not to be.

Up and down; high and low in a space of a week? Well, this is what i call temporary bi-polar disorder,

I'm currently sitting on my bed in my Parisian apartment styled bedroom with a sunflower from Ikea (poor, much?) sitting on the window sill. I've been here for one week exactly, but it feels more like twelve.
After dreaming for so long about the moment i'd "arrive" in the big smoke and all the anticipating, it's quite a let-down. Nothing seems so bright anymore and all the idea and fantasies i had had about how i would change and be more adventurous, and how i'd meet interesting people with the same thirst for knowledge and inspiration as me have all gone to pot. Unfortunately, i had forgotten that i would be the same person as i was back in hideous Milton Keynes and Northampton, which means all the fears and weights i had back there and then i still have now, but just in a very 'dog eat dog' location.
I want to get a job and meet new people even if it is somewhere rather naff, but i can't. Self-doubt prevents me from doing this. I want to travel into central London and explore, but i can't. Again, self-doubt but also a slight slither of paranoia creeps in and holds me back.
I wonder why i ever dream and aspire to be something i am clearly not. I wonder why i moved myself from safety right into the snake pit.

- - - - -


I've almost settled in: i know where my local shop is; i know where my stops'n'stations are, and i know that London is a mere train ride away. I've not been able to get a job yet, but good things come to those who wait, right?
I want to achieve the very best. It's asking a lot as i, well, have no qualifications to my name (i'm a serial quitter, y'know!) But, i have always had high expectations in life.

Tomorrow, i meet a man. A man i am very fond of, but he's a man with a lot of attractive girls in his 'top 8', which, in this day in age, means he's a bit of a 'playa'. Or i could be wrong. This new digital media does that to you. It's a complete head-fuck. Anyway, i've come to the conclusion that i am in deseperate need of a man. I need someone to look after and to be looked after by. I need someone to be there when i ask for help, who actually cares and who gives me genuine advice.
I can't be doing with the games that people have decided to play because they are so insecure. I cannot be dealing with any more obstacles. Lame as this sounds, but i just want to be loved.

- - - - -


There's work experience at BBC 6 Music (my favourite radio station) and i would love to be involved with that, but i just know that the negative thoughts will come through and stop me. God, why can't i just follow my own advice? I'm here and so i should bloody well kick some arse!

Okay, so it's 4 hours 'til i have to get up and listen for the delivery man so i must go and sleep a peaceful sleep and thank the Lord that i have poured my little heart out all over a ridiculous, voyueristic website.

X

a few vodka's later...

I think that communication with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend is the most nervewrecking and exciting situation you can get yourself in. I mean, all those feelings that you had when you were madly in love; all that hatred or anger you had when it all went wrong...
One of my (many) ex's has just texted to me to ask if i wanted to stay at his country house. I don't say yes and i don't say no. It's difficult. You automatically think that he's realised what he had done was wrong and that he will beg for a second chance... BUT, in reality, he's just got the horn and wants you there for a week as his new girlfriend (or bit of 'stuff') has gone away. Or so i think... I'm so used to the idea that if an ex gets in touch with you it's for all of the wrong reasons. I mean, after all, they're ex's for a reason, right?

Another thing, the internet has so much to give, but when you find that ex boyfriend that you finished with, at the time, for no apparent reason on a profile site, feelings and memories and questions start flying everywhere.
When viewing this particular ex, i immediately thought:
"i could've had everything - is this the reason i ended it? Is it because i was simply too scared of the commitment?"
Did i throw everything away purely because i was scared and worried that, at a young age, i actually had it all? If this is the case, i think i'll forever doubt my decisions because, looking back at it all now, i don't think the guy did one thing wrong.
Oh, i don't know - maybe we only remember the good things?


I'm not sure how i'm going to handle finding his profile on the internet. Do i add him? Do i just send a quick PM saying "hi"?
Of all the things that i thought would've happened to him by now, haven't. And they were the reasons, i think, why i finished it all...

Also, it's not a good idea to look at photos. Although, he has no relationship status on show (i'm not sure what this means) he does have pictures of him with a beautiful looking woman at his god-daughter's christening, which i was meant to attend. This, obviously, sends a sinking feeling straight to my heart. I could've been the happy looking woman, with the guy, at the christening.
But then i think "maybe it wasn't to be...?"
I believe that everything happens for a reason; maybe finishing it was a path that i needed to take to find a different, a better suited route for the future?
I don't think i will ever know. I also don't think it was a good idea to bookmark his profile. That'll just create confusion and take these anxieties to a new level.

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