Horizontal Firecracker.

Listening to: 'Apple or a Gun' by Volcano! - absolutely adore this band/song.

Things have a-changed. Finally. And it give me a sense of warmth.
There's a girl after my own heart, but due to a stupid phase of arrogance (on my behalf.. and maybe hers too) we cut our ties and ignored each other for a good five months.
Last Thursday i was incredibly intoxicated and decided to send her a text saying "sorry, i've been a dick. x" and she replied and now we seem to be better than ever!
I've just received a text from her and it alsost made me cry. She listed all the things that we used to do &, because she's moving to London, all the things we will get up to in the future! She ended the message explaining that it'd be ridiculous to end our friendship as we have had so many good times together and we have a lot in common, more so than we have with other's.
I've always been intimidated by her, but i've grown up now; i can hold my own. Maybe, like i have always told myself, mine and other's actions and words happen for a reason. Maybe, i was meant to end friendships so i could step out of them, evaluate, and make a decision based on what i felt/found? Well, whatever it is, it's made me feel secure, safe, and this isn't it, either!
Only a few days ago i found myself complaining about society and how, even though a person could say "i love you', or "i'm your bestfriend and i am here for you", they never truly were. I have always had high expectations of myself, which, as we all know, is my mother's fault, but I have always thought that when you bare your soul, show raw emotion, that the person who is witnessing it would genuinely care. Well, they don't. Or, it could be that i just think they don't?
Up until recently, i really did think that people grow to become uncaring. Or selfish, maybe - i mean it is a dog eat, dog world out there.
Luckily, something has changed. It could be my mind-set, or maybe society? But something has definitely shifted. I have come to realise that, although not perfect [and who is?], my bestfriends are the best. I mean, otherwise, i would've pushed them away a long time ago if i didn't think so, right?

I have just realised that what i have just typed makes very little sense. Hm. Well, i know what i'm going on about.

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So, my, er, just past mid-year resolution is to not find anyone attractive. No more fancying men. Especially, older men. I'm going to concentrate on getting myself slim and pretty, and find an alright "career". I am just getting extremely bored with getting hurt by men, eating the world and not being able to leave the house 'cause i'm too fat. I am wasting precious life doing this...
I always dream about reaching the stars, but now, i have the mentality to actually go for it!
I think i can safely say that i am climbing out of my depression at full speed. Also, i think writing weird things that are often floating around in my mind is very healthy.

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I watched the film The Secretary for the second time last night. That film is so good; extremely sexy. It had me thinking about the whole sexual submissive/dominant issue. We all must carry characteristics of either end of that s/d spectrum into the bedroom, whether it's minute manners or full-blown lifestyles, surely? I, guess you could say i land on the submissive side of the coin. Not in an 'i have a Lord and i serve him' kind of way, but i find the idea of being controlled in the bedroom quite hot.
I've tried to work out why and i think i might fully understand now: i have to control most aspects of my life. Not for pleasure, mind, but just... because. And it's extremely difficult. But, i guess, we all have the notion that sex is satisfying, pleasurable and, in the end, relaxing and that is why i think it takes the pressure and stress off of me if someone else controls the situation. Why i only allow this rule in the bedroom is beyond me. Maybe it's due to the fact that i either trust this person with my mind, body and soul, or i am incredibly intoxicated. Usually, the latter.
And it'd be vice-versa for the people who are told what to do every day of their lives... In the bedroom, where there are usually no inhabitions, they can regain power and control and, ultimately, break the cycle of being told what to do.
So, i guess, in conclusion, whether you're into being submissive or dominating someone, it's all the same. You're trying to break free from being controlled by yourself, someone else or a habit.

Soon, maybe, it'll become mainstream... just how us straight girlies say "let's go to the gay club with our GBF's [gay best friends] and dance to cheesy music!", everyone will be saying "hey! let's go to that S&M bar down the road. I'll bring my paddle!".

Who knows?

What i do know is that i should stop thinking. Completely.
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"If you're not going to have kids, then leave a record behind."