Identity...

The idea i have about myself constantly changes throughout years, months and sometimes even days. I have so many plans for perfection that i've found myself living in a sort of dream world; reality is something i am still trying to grasp. When we are young we look up at 'role models'. Is this necessarily a good thing? In my opinion, i think not. We aim for a personality, body image and even a life that we're just not capable of achieving; it's just not in our DNA. So, we find ourselves becoming insecure because we can't reach our goal of being our own idol, which, consequently, results in us failing at fulfilling our actual, genuine persona.

All these years, i have thought very long and hard about the person i want to be. I have always striven for perfection, whether it's changing my handwriting on a daily basis to make sure that the style i am using represents who i am (and that it is neat and tidy) or knowing that i am seen acceptable, body image wise, i.e personal hygiene/grooming.
Additionally, i have even changed certain personality/attire traits in order to, not only 'fit in', but to be my sense of perfection. Whilst a young teenager, it was easy to do this when there were fads, trends & subcultures to adhere to. Now, as a young adult, they stakes are much higher. It's not your peers at school you are trying to impress and bond with or simple decisions such as "what to wear tonight?" or "how can i get in with the popular group?", it is jobs/career options to aim for and, ultimately, 'get'; relationships to have flourish and grow in order to learn for the next time or to blossom into marriage proposals and children, and "how can i pay the bills?" and/or "am i wasting crucial time with this man/in this job?"

If you've not realised your 'true self' by the time the latter problems arrive, will you ever be able to find your identity? Is it too late and you've missed the vital 'gap' in order to know who you really are?

We are all expected to try different things out whilst young and 'free' before the 'real world' approaches us, making us understand our hopes/fears and strengths/weaknesses, which, supposedly, form us to be strong enough to deal with all issues that arise.

Is it possible to extend that 'gap'? And is it possible to to learn whilst living?

I am stuck in a dilemma, which involves all issues i've raised above. I am a young adult who hasn't advanced in life since the age of 16. I am still in the same place and with the same problems that i had all those years ago.
I have still not had a job. I haven't had a successful relationship or one that i felt had affected me in a positive way, i.e learning new ways of dealing with situations in that particular area of life. I still haven't gotten over or managed to understand my fears (failure; difficulties with being assertive; the art of being shy)
This causes me to be rather concerned about my future and the way i will (or won't) develop. A person's time, life, existence is very short, due to the fact that we don't know when it will finish.
They say "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." Does getting older and not having had 'closed down' certain issues that affect you a lot earlier on result in the lack of being able to quit habits or to learn new ones?
I guess we will never know. Maybe the only way to reach some kind of understanding of yourself is to just push through life (including the bad things) and not looking back. Or at the present.

Is it really as easy as having a sort of tunnel-like vision directly looking into the future?

horoscope that i should definitely take in:

"Forget about perfection now, for the Moon in eccentric Aquarius suggests that you can benefit from a little experimentation. This is your opportunity to try something new and to have fun exploring a different approach to the same old thing. Forget about your mistakes; you are the only one who is keeping score. Your real challenge today is to enjoy your playful process of discovery."

um,

it sounds as if there's a hurricane outside. and it's BLOODY freezing. i do not get it.

i am less angry now though, but not looking forward to waking up in five hours time.
X

srsly?

Why can't you two tell me things that i actually need to know; things that are absolute vital information to me?

I am getting extremely annoyed now. Constantly, placing me between a rock and a hard place.

... AND another five and a half months to go.

Someone come rescue me?

X

smiles all round.

So, i'm back in Milton Keynes for the week, which is nice.
Today, i'm going to the city centre with mother to buy shoes and nice things due to the fact that i have lost 8lbs, that's right - EIGHT POUNDS - in one week. This is amazing. I thought 5lbs in one week was a lot. I feel so good.
How did i manage this? Well, i went on a five/six day fast which was okay. I did cheat a few times, but only with boiled vegetables. The rest of the time i just drank tea. And, since coming to Milton Keynes [on the Tuesday], I fasted on the first day and have just eaten a handful of fruit on the other days. Awesome.
My bestfriend's leaving party is on Saturday. I'm both excited and saddened because my best friend is moving far, far away. Actually, i can talk. I guess it will test our strong friendship. We're both going to be leading very different lives, meeting new people in two different cities. I just can't wait for December '07 when our large group of friends come back to the place where we all met, tell each other stories about the start of our "adult" life and maybe even toast each other for future success.
This is what it is to be grown up? To be far apart from your loved ones [friends and family] and learn to get on with it? I still don't know.

A completely different subject: i am turning Twenty in 37 days. I was a little scared at the beginning of the year, which could be down to the "unknown" nature of this event. But, now i am nearing the big celebration, i feel strong, content and bloody happy that it's nearly my birthday! The excitement which i felt when i was near to turning 15, 16 and 17 has come back. I have butterflies in my tummy and a big grin on my face. And, i cannot wait to open my presents.
Also, i've been getting excited about Christmas too. And why not? I was reminded by my bestfriend that it is only FOUR months away. This is too good.
Oh, and FYI, i'm having a party for my birthday on 21st September and then coming to Milton Keynes for my actual birth date, 22nd September.

I am still looking for a job. Hm, well, actually i'm sort of only starting. Because of the weightloss i feel a new confidence coming my way. Also, it's down to the fact that it looks possible for me to lose over a stone in two weeks. My target weight of 100lbs is totally in sight now and, thanks to my 'weight tracker', i now know i've only got 16lbs to go 'til i'm there. So, i'm giving myself a month to get down to 7st 2lbs. I'd rather be 98lbs [7st] but the tracker doesn't go down that much.
My quest to be 'Nicole Richie thin' is definitely a reachable target. That's if i don't cheat, which is hard as i am now totally obsessed by what a bowl of Coco Pops will taste like.
Ahem, stay strong.

Acording to my bank balance, i have only £50. This SUCKS. But a charming young man is actually helping me get a job. He wants me to get a job at his place of work. Very sweet. He's so nice and was actually born the same year as me, which is quite odd as recently i've being going for 28-35 year olds. He can only be a positive thing for me.

Back to weight and health etc. I have now quit drinking. I've been "sober" [i wasn't an alcoholic] for over a week now and i feel so good. The thought of being drunk and out of control makes me sick. I shall only drink dry white wine spritzers/champagne from now on AND get tipsey after half a glass. Also, this will only take place on special occassions. So, if you love me, don't offer me alcohol. Oh, and i have also rid my body from caffeine. Again, it's only been just over a week, but i feel amazing. Still feeling a bit tired, but in time, i will feel fantastic. All i need to do now is to quit cigarettes and my mind, body and soul will be pure. :)

Right, i am off to do exercise. :)

X

And so the heart speaks out.

Not able to sleep, yet again. In the space of ten minutes, i managed to count upto 5 different spiders in my flat. I've not spotted any in my room, but i am so scared. I live in the bloody roof. I literally want to be sick. They make my skin actually crawl. God, i just know that i'll see a big one and.. eugh, jesus.

Tomorrow, I've decided, will be the beginning of the new me; the new confident and in-charge me. A very nasty ex of mine wants to meet me tomorrow. I've said yes, but only during the day. I figured out that with his horrible words of "encouragement" it will probably be good for me in the whole getting a job issue. Also, he still owes me money that he stole from me, so maybe i can get him to buy me drinks? He'll have to leave by early evening though as my nice, most recent ex is coming round mine for the evening. He told me he still loves me the other day, which made me realise i still might have feelings for him so i think i need to talk to him so we can both understand more about this situation. God, that's quite mature of me. Strange.

I also have another male friend, but i only met him a few weeks ago and still don't know what he's about. We were meant to meet for a date at the Tate, but i cancelled. It just didn't feel right. Not quite sure why it didn't. I've agreed to meet with him this week, but we're from two completely different worlds; a world i'd love to be part of, don't get me wrong, but the whole thing just makes me feel like a complete chav. In other words, compared to him and his lifestyle, i am rough.

There is a man who i want in my life forever. He's the most funny, witty, intelligent, caring and kind man i have ever met. I know for sure that he is my soul mate. I hope he thinks that too. There could have been something there... But, i think that i might've have missed the small gap, just before the relationship moves to brother-sister status, where we could have maybe upped the level of our friendship. Maybe i'll regret that; maybe it just wasn't to be, who knows? All i do know is that i'm not quite sure what would happen if he wasn't in my life.

Going back to my most recent ex, i think there definitely is something there... Okay, my friends would probably say "why the heck are you with him, he's not you're type?" whatever a 'type' is, but i don't know, i just feel something new with him and always have done. Maybe that's why i ended it in such an abrupt way when i felt it was going a bit too fast?
I dream of kids, marriage, security, but when handed it on a plate i seem to get quite frightened as if maybe that's it, that's my life over? No more day-dreaming of the future and the 'one' because i have it all and feelings of "well, what next?"
Maybe i don't trust myself in an extremely trustworthy position of marriage and the awesome amount of responsibility with having children, i mean, i don't stick at anything else important: education, healthy lifestyle, searching for a job, location... So, why would this be any different? I'd most probably have a go at trying to mess things up in a dreadful, but accidental way.
But seriously, maybe the issue of marriage and children interests me so much because i am completely seduced by the notion of importance? Let's face it, at the moment, i really do not have much self-worth.

- - - - -

Steven Fry is the most sexy, intelligent, yummy man that has ever walked this Earth. I hate the idea that i am thought of as 'strange' just because, in society's eye, he's not an aesthetic success. This makes me doubt everyone's capability of thought and wonder if it's all the binge-drinking and 'new media' that's dumbing down the senses.

X

eugh.

I don't feel sick, just wrong. I binged dreadfully today.
So far, i've had:

cheese salad sandwich;

bowl of chocolate ice cream and maple sauce;

another cheese salad sandwich;

another bowl of chocolate ice cream and maple sauce;

two cheese toasties;

two more bowls of ice cream with maple sauce;

three glasses of rosé.

It's disgracful. And, i don't even feel full. I don't think even an obese person would eat this much in the space of 5hours. Why can't i just be normal?

i've set a perfect weight to aim for. Just 24lbs to go...

God, i hate me. No wonder men are running away - it's because i repulse them with my stupidly lardy body. ick. :( X