a few vodka's later...

I think that communication with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend is the most nervewrecking and exciting situation you can get yourself in. I mean, all those feelings that you had when you were madly in love; all that hatred or anger you had when it all went wrong...
One of my (many) ex's has just texted to me to ask if i wanted to stay at his country house. I don't say yes and i don't say no. It's difficult. You automatically think that he's realised what he had done was wrong and that he will beg for a second chance... BUT, in reality, he's just got the horn and wants you there for a week as his new girlfriend (or bit of 'stuff') has gone away. Or so i think... I'm so used to the idea that if an ex gets in touch with you it's for all of the wrong reasons. I mean, after all, they're ex's for a reason, right?

Another thing, the internet has so much to give, but when you find that ex boyfriend that you finished with, at the time, for no apparent reason on a profile site, feelings and memories and questions start flying everywhere.
When viewing this particular ex, i immediately thought:
"i could've had everything - is this the reason i ended it? Is it because i was simply too scared of the commitment?"
Did i throw everything away purely because i was scared and worried that, at a young age, i actually had it all? If this is the case, i think i'll forever doubt my decisions because, looking back at it all now, i don't think the guy did one thing wrong.
Oh, i don't know - maybe we only remember the good things?


I'm not sure how i'm going to handle finding his profile on the internet. Do i add him? Do i just send a quick PM saying "hi"?
Of all the things that i thought would've happened to him by now, haven't. And they were the reasons, i think, why i finished it all...

Also, it's not a good idea to look at photos. Although, he has no relationship status on show (i'm not sure what this means) he does have pictures of him with a beautiful looking woman at his god-daughter's christening, which i was meant to attend. This, obviously, sends a sinking feeling straight to my heart. I could've been the happy looking woman, with the guy, at the christening.
But then i think "maybe it wasn't to be...?"
I believe that everything happens for a reason; maybe finishing it was a path that i needed to take to find a different, a better suited route for the future?
I don't think i will ever know. I also don't think it was a good idea to bookmark his profile. That'll just create confusion and take these anxieties to a new level.

x