Horizontal Firecracker.

Listening to: 'Apple or a Gun' by Volcano! - absolutely adore this band/song.

Things have a-changed. Finally. And it give me a sense of warmth.
There's a girl after my own heart, but due to a stupid phase of arrogance (on my behalf.. and maybe hers too) we cut our ties and ignored each other for a good five months.
Last Thursday i was incredibly intoxicated and decided to send her a text saying "sorry, i've been a dick. x" and she replied and now we seem to be better than ever!
I've just received a text from her and it alsost made me cry. She listed all the things that we used to do &, because she's moving to London, all the things we will get up to in the future! She ended the message explaining that it'd be ridiculous to end our friendship as we have had so many good times together and we have a lot in common, more so than we have with other's.
I've always been intimidated by her, but i've grown up now; i can hold my own. Maybe, like i have always told myself, mine and other's actions and words happen for a reason. Maybe, i was meant to end friendships so i could step out of them, evaluate, and make a decision based on what i felt/found? Well, whatever it is, it's made me feel secure, safe, and this isn't it, either!
Only a few days ago i found myself complaining about society and how, even though a person could say "i love you', or "i'm your bestfriend and i am here for you", they never truly were. I have always had high expectations of myself, which, as we all know, is my mother's fault, but I have always thought that when you bare your soul, show raw emotion, that the person who is witnessing it would genuinely care. Well, they don't. Or, it could be that i just think they don't?
Up until recently, i really did think that people grow to become uncaring. Or selfish, maybe - i mean it is a dog eat, dog world out there.
Luckily, something has changed. It could be my mind-set, or maybe society? But something has definitely shifted. I have come to realise that, although not perfect [and who is?], my bestfriends are the best. I mean, otherwise, i would've pushed them away a long time ago if i didn't think so, right?

I have just realised that what i have just typed makes very little sense. Hm. Well, i know what i'm going on about.

- - - - -
So, my, er, just past mid-year resolution is to not find anyone attractive. No more fancying men. Especially, older men. I'm going to concentrate on getting myself slim and pretty, and find an alright "career". I am just getting extremely bored with getting hurt by men, eating the world and not being able to leave the house 'cause i'm too fat. I am wasting precious life doing this...
I always dream about reaching the stars, but now, i have the mentality to actually go for it!
I think i can safely say that i am climbing out of my depression at full speed. Also, i think writing weird things that are often floating around in my mind is very healthy.

- - - - -

I watched the film The Secretary for the second time last night. That film is so good; extremely sexy. It had me thinking about the whole sexual submissive/dominant issue. We all must carry characteristics of either end of that s/d spectrum into the bedroom, whether it's minute manners or full-blown lifestyles, surely? I, guess you could say i land on the submissive side of the coin. Not in an 'i have a Lord and i serve him' kind of way, but i find the idea of being controlled in the bedroom quite hot.
I've tried to work out why and i think i might fully understand now: i have to control most aspects of my life. Not for pleasure, mind, but just... because. And it's extremely difficult. But, i guess, we all have the notion that sex is satisfying, pleasurable and, in the end, relaxing and that is why i think it takes the pressure and stress off of me if someone else controls the situation. Why i only allow this rule in the bedroom is beyond me. Maybe it's due to the fact that i either trust this person with my mind, body and soul, or i am incredibly intoxicated. Usually, the latter.
And it'd be vice-versa for the people who are told what to do every day of their lives... In the bedroom, where there are usually no inhabitions, they can regain power and control and, ultimately, break the cycle of being told what to do.
So, i guess, in conclusion, whether you're into being submissive or dominating someone, it's all the same. You're trying to break free from being controlled by yourself, someone else or a habit.

Soon, maybe, it'll become mainstream... just how us straight girlies say "let's go to the gay club with our GBF's [gay best friends] and dance to cheesy music!", everyone will be saying "hey! let's go to that S&M bar down the road. I'll bring my paddle!".

Who knows?

What i do know is that i should stop thinking. Completely.
- - - - -


"If you're not going to have kids, then leave a record behind."

Baaadd Aroma.

Looks as if i'm about to break my fast, which is bad. I was doing so well. Haven't eaten a meal since Wednesday (which was a spinach salad sandwich), but now my inconsiderate housemates are cooking mexican and the hunger pangs are becoming intolerable.
I keep thinking they will pass, but i don't think they will. I defrosted a chicken this morning because i know i'm a complete failure. And mother has bought me a really low fat Korma sauce to cook with the chicken. Should i have this? God, i'm fretting so much.

I mentioned that i might have korma tonight to my housemates (stupid, stupid) and they keep offering my their rice, which is sweet, but NO! Rice is ick and i need to lose weight so i can get into my old clothes and so mother will help me with rent and bills and maybe buy me some more clothes? If i don't lose the weight then i am going to have to ask my housemates to pay up and i can't do that! That's like £500!

i'm at 8st 10lbs, at the moment, which is ridiculous and makes me feel ill. i want to lose 10lbs in two weeks. Is that crazy? Is it even do-able?

Okay, i'm going to make korma now. Otherwise, i'll just end up drinking wine to make me fall asleep and that's even worse.

X

Hanging Onto A Dream.

My horoscope is dead-on right today:

You are feeling deep urges to add new meaning to your life, yet your outer world may seem uninspired when compared to what arises now from your subconscious mind. Nevertheless, don't be afraid of anything that comes to the surface today. You are not required to say out loud what you are experiencing on the inside. Still, you will be happier and healthier if you feel it fully, even if it is scary.

My next career aim is Radio Broadcast Assistant. Ha, let's see how long i'll stick at this.
My BFF is going to come visit me soon. This is the most amazing news. But, i've just checked my bank balance and i have no money. None at all.. Not even any to pay the bills.

The Gypsy life is seeming more and more tempting.

X

seriously.

Okay, first things first - i am NOT, which is extremely good.

So, today was the worst ever day in London. I met up with this older guy i've seen a few times and i was so excited to see him as i thought he was just perfect. Ha, WRONG. He used me for sex, but is adamant that we will 'hang out'. I can't quite work out of he's a dick or a gentleman for telling me this. All i do know though is that i am stupid.

I've not eaten since Wednesday.

Oh, and during a lock-in in a well known venue in Shepherds Bush, i got drunk, told secrets to my ex boyfriend and then had sex with him in the VIP area.

And i still do not have a job.
And i am still fat.

I'm not quite sure where my life or sanity is going.
All i do know is that i need to go home. Where ever home is.

X

Mostly, eratic.

Total see-saw of a day, today. 24 hour manic depression.
It could have something to do with the fact that i should be suffering extreme PMT right now, but i'm not. I'm starting to think that i do this on purpose - placing obstacles in front of me so i can trip, fall down and play the victim.
I guess i'll jump that hurdle when i get to it. I hope it's all a mistake, and that it's not the hurdle race i'm entered for. Maybe the long jump. Or a walkable marathon?

- - - - -

Travelled in to Harlesden town centre this afternoon and managed to get myself lost on a number of occassions, which is weird due to the fact that it only consists of one road, the high street. I had to go because i am in desperate need of a career of some sorts so (and i'm not sure why) i decided to go to the JobCentre.
My, my, the advice they had for me was astounding!

"Erm, um... So, you're NOT on benefits? Hm, well, the only thing i can suggest is you go to those phones and press the number '5'. You can talk to someone, but we can't promise anything..."

Okay, great. In fact, fabulous. Well, this lady on the end of the line did a 'job search'. She found only one job and that was £6 p/hour. Is that good money? Have i moved all the way to London to earn peanuts that just barely covers my rent/bills/food? So, i'll be working 40hr weeks just to be able to sleep in a bed, have a light on and eat 'til i get obese and unattractive? Well, that's just fantastic(!)

- - - - -

I am feeling extremely lonely now. And out of place.
So, i've moved in to this lovely flat with my old housemate and his boyfriend. Sounds cosy, right? Yeah, for two! Three is a definite crowd in this home! They don't talk to me, they don't ask me anything and if i put something in the lounge they move it out as if i'm taking up their personal space. It's really getting me down because i have just realised that i am helping a loving couple pay their rent for a love-nest.
Utterly.
Ridiculous.
Why can't my Prince Charming come rescue me, let me live in his castle and tell me that i will never have to get a job?!

- - - - -

This Friday i have to register with the doctors. I'm nervous as i find the doctors one of the most scary places ever!
But i do feel positive about it, knowing that this is a whole new place and that they don't know my family etc. Oh, and also, it's literally next door!
It'll be good to talk about my OCD and Dermatillomania in length and, hopefully, find some treatments, if not cures!

- - - - -

Keep missing deliveries - bad!
i really hope i'm not pregnant. :(

X

Clouded over.

Today has to be the most pointless day ever. Tesco delivery men were meant to turn up and shower me with gifts, but no. They decide not to turn up at all and only let me know that they weren't showing at half four pm. A day wasted.
Well, it wasn't much of a day to waste, to be honest. Woke up late due to falling asleep at the ridiculous time of 5am and, by looking outside, it doesn't really matter as the weather is utterly rubbish and looks almost like a scene from "The Day After Tomorrow'.

'Breaking News' on Sky News - "The river Thames is close to overflowing"

- - - - -

You know that you most definitely need new friends and a job when you're found sitting on your bed, alone, drinking vodka cokes and singing along to Libertines. So sad.
I should be out wearing gorgeous dresses.

Not really sure how i'm going to meet new people the same sort of age and into the same sort of interests. I mean, i can't go to a gig/club on my own, right?

- - - - -

I'm going to upload some pictures of my new abode.

I'm so thankful that my writers block has gone, but i am thinking that i could bore everyone to tears with the fact that i am so going to write several entries a day. ha.

A cocktail of emotions: shaken, not stirred.

So, I finally did it; i finally moved away from the horrors and into the bright lights - London. It's quite an odd sensation if i'm quite honest with you, well, i guess every move is, and i'm not entirely sure why i thought this one would be different. This past week has dragged on, but in a good, exciting, scary way. I feel like i have the 'L' plates on though; I feel like i'm naughtily sticking on a disabled parking permit onto my windscreen. if that makes sense? Basically, i know i am capable of a number of extremely amazing things, but i choose not to be.

Up and down; high and low in a space of a week? Well, this is what i call temporary bi-polar disorder,

I'm currently sitting on my bed in my Parisian apartment styled bedroom with a sunflower from Ikea (poor, much?) sitting on the window sill. I've been here for one week exactly, but it feels more like twelve.
After dreaming for so long about the moment i'd "arrive" in the big smoke and all the anticipating, it's quite a let-down. Nothing seems so bright anymore and all the idea and fantasies i had had about how i would change and be more adventurous, and how i'd meet interesting people with the same thirst for knowledge and inspiration as me have all gone to pot. Unfortunately, i had forgotten that i would be the same person as i was back in hideous Milton Keynes and Northampton, which means all the fears and weights i had back there and then i still have now, but just in a very 'dog eat dog' location.
I want to get a job and meet new people even if it is somewhere rather naff, but i can't. Self-doubt prevents me from doing this. I want to travel into central London and explore, but i can't. Again, self-doubt but also a slight slither of paranoia creeps in and holds me back.
I wonder why i ever dream and aspire to be something i am clearly not. I wonder why i moved myself from safety right into the snake pit.

- - - - -


I've almost settled in: i know where my local shop is; i know where my stops'n'stations are, and i know that London is a mere train ride away. I've not been able to get a job yet, but good things come to those who wait, right?
I want to achieve the very best. It's asking a lot as i, well, have no qualifications to my name (i'm a serial quitter, y'know!) But, i have always had high expectations in life.

Tomorrow, i meet a man. A man i am very fond of, but he's a man with a lot of attractive girls in his 'top 8', which, in this day in age, means he's a bit of a 'playa'. Or i could be wrong. This new digital media does that to you. It's a complete head-fuck. Anyway, i've come to the conclusion that i am in deseperate need of a man. I need someone to look after and to be looked after by. I need someone to be there when i ask for help, who actually cares and who gives me genuine advice.
I can't be doing with the games that people have decided to play because they are so insecure. I cannot be dealing with any more obstacles. Lame as this sounds, but i just want to be loved.

- - - - -


There's work experience at BBC 6 Music (my favourite radio station) and i would love to be involved with that, but i just know that the negative thoughts will come through and stop me. God, why can't i just follow my own advice? I'm here and so i should bloody well kick some arse!

Okay, so it's 4 hours 'til i have to get up and listen for the delivery man so i must go and sleep a peaceful sleep and thank the Lord that i have poured my little heart out all over a ridiculous, voyueristic website.

X