And so the heart speaks out.

Not able to sleep, yet again. In the space of ten minutes, i managed to count upto 5 different spiders in my flat. I've not spotted any in my room, but i am so scared. I live in the bloody roof. I literally want to be sick. They make my skin actually crawl. God, i just know that i'll see a big one and.. eugh, jesus.

Tomorrow, I've decided, will be the beginning of the new me; the new confident and in-charge me. A very nasty ex of mine wants to meet me tomorrow. I've said yes, but only during the day. I figured out that with his horrible words of "encouragement" it will probably be good for me in the whole getting a job issue. Also, he still owes me money that he stole from me, so maybe i can get him to buy me drinks? He'll have to leave by early evening though as my nice, most recent ex is coming round mine for the evening. He told me he still loves me the other day, which made me realise i still might have feelings for him so i think i need to talk to him so we can both understand more about this situation. God, that's quite mature of me. Strange.

I also have another male friend, but i only met him a few weeks ago and still don't know what he's about. We were meant to meet for a date at the Tate, but i cancelled. It just didn't feel right. Not quite sure why it didn't. I've agreed to meet with him this week, but we're from two completely different worlds; a world i'd love to be part of, don't get me wrong, but the whole thing just makes me feel like a complete chav. In other words, compared to him and his lifestyle, i am rough.

There is a man who i want in my life forever. He's the most funny, witty, intelligent, caring and kind man i have ever met. I know for sure that he is my soul mate. I hope he thinks that too. There could have been something there... But, i think that i might've have missed the small gap, just before the relationship moves to brother-sister status, where we could have maybe upped the level of our friendship. Maybe i'll regret that; maybe it just wasn't to be, who knows? All i do know is that i'm not quite sure what would happen if he wasn't in my life.

Going back to my most recent ex, i think there definitely is something there... Okay, my friends would probably say "why the heck are you with him, he's not you're type?" whatever a 'type' is, but i don't know, i just feel something new with him and always have done. Maybe that's why i ended it in such an abrupt way when i felt it was going a bit too fast?
I dream of kids, marriage, security, but when handed it on a plate i seem to get quite frightened as if maybe that's it, that's my life over? No more day-dreaming of the future and the 'one' because i have it all and feelings of "well, what next?"
Maybe i don't trust myself in an extremely trustworthy position of marriage and the awesome amount of responsibility with having children, i mean, i don't stick at anything else important: education, healthy lifestyle, searching for a job, location... So, why would this be any different? I'd most probably have a go at trying to mess things up in a dreadful, but accidental way.
But seriously, maybe the issue of marriage and children interests me so much because i am completely seduced by the notion of importance? Let's face it, at the moment, i really do not have much self-worth.

- - - - -

Steven Fry is the most sexy, intelligent, yummy man that has ever walked this Earth. I hate the idea that i am thought of as 'strange' just because, in society's eye, he's not an aesthetic success. This makes me doubt everyone's capability of thought and wonder if it's all the binge-drinking and 'new media' that's dumbing down the senses.

X