since you've been gone.

okay, since the last post i have mostly been:
+ acting like a slut, which i hate and it's making me angry;
+ going to therapy, being hypnotised - the usual;
+ realising who i am actually in love with and thinking how to make it work;
+ falling out with an ex who i thought meant a lot to me, but now have realised he's just like all the other coked-up twats;
+ seeing my friends do something with their life by going to uni or travelling;
and
+ worrying myself with labels of this, that and the other.

it's not like i feel as if i have lost my mind, my mind's completely there - it's the fact that i feel as if i have lost control.

i can't seem to form plans any more. this scares me as i need a route to follow and now, at this great age of twenty, no one is telling me what to do.

all i need is him. someone who will lift me, hold me and make sure i go the right way.

i am stuck in a hall of mirrors, totally. x

and, by the way,

my name is stephanie blake and there is no more reason to stay anonymous.

I am not at all wonderful enough to get away with arrogance like that. X

BRAIN DEAD.

Every part of my personality has wilted away. There's nothing left inside me to keep me going. I'm literally brain dead.


I cannot focus on anything. The only thing i can even bear to think about is exercising and losing weight so that maybe the next month will be better.

I am twenty in three weeks and i am fat, lonely, not at all interesting, poor, FUCKING ugly as hell, pointless...etc. I shouldn't feel like this, but every time i realise that at one point in my life i had it all, i just know that i need to lose X amount of pounds before i know good things will happen.

I swear only i understand this. No one seems to even care to understand.

X

Identity...

The idea i have about myself constantly changes throughout years, months and sometimes even days. I have so many plans for perfection that i've found myself living in a sort of dream world; reality is something i am still trying to grasp. When we are young we look up at 'role models'. Is this necessarily a good thing? In my opinion, i think not. We aim for a personality, body image and even a life that we're just not capable of achieving; it's just not in our DNA. So, we find ourselves becoming insecure because we can't reach our goal of being our own idol, which, consequently, results in us failing at fulfilling our actual, genuine persona.

All these years, i have thought very long and hard about the person i want to be. I have always striven for perfection, whether it's changing my handwriting on a daily basis to make sure that the style i am using represents who i am (and that it is neat and tidy) or knowing that i am seen acceptable, body image wise, i.e personal hygiene/grooming.
Additionally, i have even changed certain personality/attire traits in order to, not only 'fit in', but to be my sense of perfection. Whilst a young teenager, it was easy to do this when there were fads, trends & subcultures to adhere to. Now, as a young adult, they stakes are much higher. It's not your peers at school you are trying to impress and bond with or simple decisions such as "what to wear tonight?" or "how can i get in with the popular group?", it is jobs/career options to aim for and, ultimately, 'get'; relationships to have flourish and grow in order to learn for the next time or to blossom into marriage proposals and children, and "how can i pay the bills?" and/or "am i wasting crucial time with this man/in this job?"

If you've not realised your 'true self' by the time the latter problems arrive, will you ever be able to find your identity? Is it too late and you've missed the vital 'gap' in order to know who you really are?

We are all expected to try different things out whilst young and 'free' before the 'real world' approaches us, making us understand our hopes/fears and strengths/weaknesses, which, supposedly, form us to be strong enough to deal with all issues that arise.

Is it possible to extend that 'gap'? And is it possible to to learn whilst living?

I am stuck in a dilemma, which involves all issues i've raised above. I am a young adult who hasn't advanced in life since the age of 16. I am still in the same place and with the same problems that i had all those years ago.
I have still not had a job. I haven't had a successful relationship or one that i felt had affected me in a positive way, i.e learning new ways of dealing with situations in that particular area of life. I still haven't gotten over or managed to understand my fears (failure; difficulties with being assertive; the art of being shy)
This causes me to be rather concerned about my future and the way i will (or won't) develop. A person's time, life, existence is very short, due to the fact that we don't know when it will finish.
They say "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." Does getting older and not having had 'closed down' certain issues that affect you a lot earlier on result in the lack of being able to quit habits or to learn new ones?
I guess we will never know. Maybe the only way to reach some kind of understanding of yourself is to just push through life (including the bad things) and not looking back. Or at the present.

Is it really as easy as having a sort of tunnel-like vision directly looking into the future?

horoscope that i should definitely take in:

"Forget about perfection now, for the Moon in eccentric Aquarius suggests that you can benefit from a little experimentation. This is your opportunity to try something new and to have fun exploring a different approach to the same old thing. Forget about your mistakes; you are the only one who is keeping score. Your real challenge today is to enjoy your playful process of discovery."

um,

it sounds as if there's a hurricane outside. and it's BLOODY freezing. i do not get it.

i am less angry now though, but not looking forward to waking up in five hours time.
X

srsly?

Why can't you two tell me things that i actually need to know; things that are absolute vital information to me?

I am getting extremely annoyed now. Constantly, placing me between a rock and a hard place.

... AND another five and a half months to go.

Someone come rescue me?

X